The State Alchemists and the Stupid Assignment
by Kitsune Moonstar
Summary: Even Fullmetal agreed that this was a stupid assignment. And the worst part was he hadn't be allowed to take Hawkeye with him. Xover with Harry Potter.
1. The State Alchemists and the Stupid

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

* * *

**The State Alchemists and the Stupid Assignment**

"This is a stupid assignment." Fullmetal glared at him from across the train compartment.

"I'm not arguing with you on that point." Roy wasn't happy about this either, but there was nothing they could do about it.

"This is a waste of my time."

"I agree with you."

"Then why are we doing this?"

Mustang sighed. "Because we were ordered to."

"I know that. I mean, we both think this is a stupid order, and yet we're following it. Why?"

Mustang sighed again. "Because we're afraid of what will happen if we don't, even if neither of us will admit to it."

Edward scowled at him. "You just don't want to leave the lieutenant on her own for year because you're afraid she'll come to her senses and get on with her life."

Roy noted that the subject had been changed but went along with it. He didn't really want to talk about the reason they were following these idiotic orders either. "And you're not afraid of Ms. Rockbell doing the same?"

After Edward had settled down from the inevitable hissy fit, he went back to complaining about their mission. "We really have to do this? We have to spend a year living in a foreign country, working a school that has nearly nothing to do with alchemy?"

"For the last time, yes. Be grateful that it isn't worse."

"How could it be worse? They're making me go to school there because I'm not old enough to be considered faculty. I don't need to go to school."

"At least, they didn't make you a teacher, then you'd have to be nice to the other children. Besides, if worse comes to worst, Hogwarts will get destroyed, and we can go home early."

* * *

Theme: Parting/Seperation


	2. Into the Asylum

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

* * *

**Into the Asylum**

This mission was getting worse by the minute. Roy listened in intense disbelief as the situation was explained to himself and Fullmetal. It was no wonder these people were having so many problems. It seemed Edward was equally disgusted.

"Let me get this straight," he was saying. "You people are so afraid of this guy, that the common person can't even say his name? That's ridiculous. You're just playing into his hands with that. I'm calling him Voldiekins for the rest of the year, by the way."

Roy was more concerned with their strategy. "So basically, you're only plan is dependent on a sixteen year old taking Voldemort on? Have you actually tried anything else? I mean, it seems like the only time you all are actually actively trying to take out the man is when Potter has accidentally stumbled into a fight with him."

Edward snorted. "Here's an idea. You all get us intelligence on where the bastard is, we'll call in Lt. Hawkeye, and then see if she can't take care of the problem."

"This lieutenant is a powerful alchemist?" asked Professor Snape.

"No, she's just the most dangerous person in the military. Or at least, that's what the common opinion is," Edward informed him.

The others from the Order of the Phoenix just stared at them.

Roy sighed. "You're going to tell me something inane like 'magic must defeat magic', aren't you?"

He and Edward traded looks; it was going to be a long year.

* * *

Theme: No genius but full of idiots


	3. Valuable Lessons From Histroy

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

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**Valuable Lessons from History**

Roy surveyed the Defense Against the Dark Arts class with dismay. He was not looking forward to this.

"Good morning, class. As you know, I'm Colonel Mustang. I'm sure some of you were worried that there was no textbook for this class on your school supplies list. We won't be using a book this year. At least, not a textbook."

That caused some whispers around the room.

"We'll be having a number of practical lessons, starting with today's. Now I'm aware that this may be a foreign concept for you, especially given the stories I've heard about some of you. What should you do when confronted with something dangerous that wants to hurt you?"

He got at number of answers. None of them were what he wanted.

"Have any of you ever heard of Monty Python?"

He got blank stares at that. He sighed. "You all do know who King Arthur is, right?"

Nods this time.

"Right then. Monty Python is very famous for its retelling of the story of King Arthur, and they demonstrate today's lessons several times. When confronted with something dangerous that may want to harm you, often the smartest thing to do is _run away_."

The class looked at him with disbelief, confusion, and worry. Finally, someone spoke up. "Isn't that cowardly?"

Roy shrugged. "Depends on the situation. There is nothing cowardly about running away from something that wants to harm you. It's what most of the world calls common sense."

* * *

Theme: Run Away


	4. The Best and Worst Teacher Ever

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

* * *

**The Best and the Worst Teacher Ever**

If asked, Edward Elric would not admit to being highly amused by the Hogwarts students' reactions to Colonel Mustang. However, that didn't stop it from being true. The students either loved him or hated him, and none of them understood him at all. As both a student and the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom assistant, Ed had the unique opportunity of being able to eavesdrop on the rest of the students with ease.

Mustang was either the worst DADA teacher they'd had or the best, depending on who was giving the opinion. The muggle born students universally liked Mustang for the most part. His lessons were practical and made sense to them. The students who had been born in the wizarding world had more mixed reactions. The snootiest of the purebloods hated him. He didn't put up with any of the prejudices or ideas about how things should work. Many of them were puzzled by his teaching style and what he decided was important to teach. The one group that was always disappointed in Mustang was the girls who had plans to seduce him for a batter grade. That was a hopeless cause.

And it was great fun watching Mustang get frustrated without being the target of those frustrations. He and Mustang might agree on a lot of things, but even Mustang would admit, he was much better at dealing with the perils of life than any of these students. That, and there was something satisfying about seeing the idiot trio of Granger, Potter, and Weasley serve detention for snooping around Mustang's office one too many times. Someone had to teach those three a lesson before they got themselves killed.

* * *

Theme: Teaching a Lesson


	5. A Change in the Weather

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

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**A Change in the Weather**

Edward was on his way to class when the Golden Trio found him. He wasn't very fond of those three students, he personally thought they were idiots who needed some common sense pounded into them, but they were a good source of the latest news. And at least they tried to be friendly with him.

"This crazy muggle woman showed up in front of the school this morning and trounced some Slythrins," Ron told him.

Ed blinked then began to smile. There were only a few people he could think of who fit with that scenario. "Did you see her? Blond hair, reddish-brown eyes?"

Hermione looked startled. "You know her? We assumed she was a muggle since she didn't use any magic."

He laughed. "That's Lt. Hawkeye. She doesn't need magic to kick your ass. She's probably here to see Mustang. They're practically inseparable."

And if Hawkeye was here, that was one more sane person in this bastion of insanity. And just maybe, their mission would end sooner if Hawkeye was involved. After all, he was fairly certain that even Voldemort would not escape unscathed if he did something to harm Mustang while Hawkeye was watching over him.

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Theme: You will be traveling to distant lands for business purposes


	6. Good Enough Reason For Me

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

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**Good Enough Reason for Me**

Ed managed to catch Roy before lunch. "What's Lt. Hawkeye doing here?"

"So you've heard. She's our backup."

He frowned. "I thought we weren't getting back up for this mission.'

Mustang shrugged. "Apparently, the lieutenant respectfully suggested we could use some backup."

Ed thought for a moment. "When you say 'respectfully suggested', were there guns involved?"

The colonel smirked. "Are you suggesting that Hawkeye would threaten superior officers because she was concerned for our safety? Well, mine more than yours probably."

There probably had been guns involved. He would have loved to sit in on that 'discussion' with the top brass.

"Hey, that's a good enough reason for me. Have you ever tried arguing with her? She's more stubborn than Winry."

Mustang shrugged again. "Why do you think she's still working for me? I suggested she would be safer and more successful working under another commander. She threatened to shoot me if I brought it up again."

* * *

Theme: Use your charm and personality to obtain your wishes


	7. Too Much Information

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

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**Too Much Information**

There were some things that one really didn't need to know about, like your parents' sex life. Ed had decided that Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye's personal life was one of those things. In fact, that was probably on par with his parents' sex life. He watched the two of them cuddling on the loveseat by the fire in Mustang's rooms. They were supposedly holding a council of war and catching Hawkeye up on what the situation was. Of course, the war council included hot chocolate, and Ed wasn't sure that Mustang was really paying attention. He seemed more interested in Hawkeye who was practically sitting in his lap to more easily share the blanket across their laps. And both adults seemed amused by Ed's obvious discomfort.

"Okay, now you two are creeping me out. And no one is going to believe me about this either." He turned to Riza. "You couldn't have brought Winry along? At least then there would someone else creeped out by you two besides me."

She just laughed. "Winry wouldn't have been freaked out. She and Sheska have been conspiring to figure out if Roy and I were together for months. Besides, it could be worse."

"How?"

Mustang laughed. "You could have been involved in Hughes' wedding. Every time we turned around he was making out Gracia. Most people were surprised that Elysia wasn't born until several years after."

* * *

Theme: Please Stop! 


	8. Sheer Stupidity

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

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**Sheer Stupidity**

Hawkeye sat perched on the edge of his desk, cleaning her guns. It would be her first time sitting in on one of his classes, and Roy was rather interested in what she would make of the students and how the students would react to her. It would be an interesting test of how much the students had learned from himself and Ed.

Instead of paying attention to the students as they came into class, he watched her work. He knew she found cleaning her guns soothing, and he found it soothing watching her. She wasn't in uniform either, which was always a plus. Of course, he was well aware that she could still kick his ass despite wearing the long black dress and cream jacket, but it was a nice change from navy blue.

Edward stomped in; he'd been acting as assistant for the DADA classes. He took one look at Hawkeye and began grinning.

"You letting her loose on the students? Did you bring a camera?"

Roy laughed. "Yes, actually. I do have a camera. I thought Hawkeye would make for a valuable pop quiz."

Riza lifted her head from her work. "I still think you're selling your students short."

"After the welcome you received yesterday?"

"That could have been an honest fluke, and you know it."

"Could have been are the operative words in that sentence."

By this time the classroom had filled, and Roy was forced to pay attention to the students.

"What is she doing here? She's just a muggle," sneered Malfoy as if that settled the matter of whether Hawkeye was a threat or not.

Both Ed and Roy looked at him incredulously.

"If you think she can't hurt you just because she has no magic, then we still have a lot to teach you," Roy said.

Edward then looked almost gleefully vindictive. "Lt. Hawkeye, would you mind giving the students a demonstration of just how dangerous people without magic can be?"

* * *

Theme: Are you an idiot?


	9. Day of Jubilee

Author's Note: I do not own FMA, Harry Potter, or their characters. This is AU and takes place after the fifth book.

* * *

**Day of Jubilee**

The Wizarding World was reeling with shock and triumph. Voldemort was dead, really and truly this time. That was the triumph part. The shock had to do with how it had happened. Most people were still having trouble wrapping their minds around that.

It took Ed nearly half an hour to stop laughing after they gave him the news. He couldn't help it. Just about anyone in Amestris could have told them that once Voldiekins went after Roy Mustang, he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. Only the Wizarding World would be surprised by that. And after going head to head with both Hawkeye and Mustang, Ed would have only been surprised if Voldie wasn't dead. He wasn't sure why the Wizarding World was having so much trouble wrapping their minds around the idea that a woman with absolutely no magical ability had killed You-Know-Who, but it was sure as hell fun to watch.

* * *

Theme: Laughter/Laugh Till You Drop Dead


End file.
